You try to tell someone you’re exhausted, and before you’re even done, they’re already answering with a solution. “Have you tried going to bed earlier?” You say you’re anxious, and they throw a podcast recommendation at you like a band-aid. You confess you’re hurt, and you get, “Don’t be so sensitive.”
You walk away with this strange, hollow feeling. Like your body was in the conversation, but your inner world never really made it into the room.
Nothing dramatic happened. Nobody yelled. Still, something in you tightens and quietly decides: next time, say less.
Why does something as simple as “I get why you feel that way” feel almost mythical?
Why emotional validation feels like such a rare language
Once you start paying attention, you notice how fast most conversations move away from feelings. Someone says, “I’m really stressed about work,” and within seconds the focus shifts to schedules, productivity hacks, quick fixes. Emotion becomes background noise.
Psychologists call validation the act of recognizing another person’s emotion as real, understandable, and allowed. Not judged, not fixed, not sized up against your own. Just seen.
The strange part is that this isn’t some complex therapy trick. It’s a few words, a tone, a pause. Yet **our daily interactions are packed with the opposite: minimization, comparison, rushing past the feeling**.
Picture this. You come home and say to your partner, “Today was brutal, my boss embarrassed me in front of the whole team.” You’re still half in the office, replaying the moment.
They love you, they really do, but they respond, “You’re overthinking it. At least you have a stable job, some people are getting laid off.” On paper, they meant to reassure you. Inside, it feels like a quiet slap.
Research from psychologist Marsha Linehan’s work on “invalidating environments” shows that when our emotions are routinely dismissed or minimized, our nervous system reacts as if we’re unsafe. Over time, many people stop sharing altogether, or ramp up their emotions just to be heard.
From a psychological angle, emotional validation is rare partly because so many of us never received it growing up. Parents who were overwhelmed, emotionally shut down, or raised in hard times often believed emotions should be pushed aside. “Stop crying.” “You’re fine.” “Don’t be dramatic.”
Those phrases don’t just end tears in the moment. They teach a rule: feelings are problems, not signals. As adults, we repeat that rule automatically. We rush to fix, to reason, to cheer up, because sitting next to someone’s raw feeling triggers our own old discomfort.
Let’s be honest: nobody really does this every single day. We’re tired, on our phones, stuck in our heads. Validation requires a small inner pause, and most of us live with no pauses at all.
What real validation looks like in practice (and why we avoid it)
A simple way to think about validating someone: name the emotion, match the tone, and stay there for a moment.
You might say, “That sounds really disappointing,” or “I can see why you’d feel hurt,” or “Yeah, that would scare me too.” You’re not agreeing with their logic. You’re aligning with their experience.
Psychologists point out that this kind of response tells the nervous system, “You’re not crazy, you’re not alone, you’re not too much.” When people feel that, their bodies relax. Paradoxically, they’re then more open to solutions, advice, or another perspective. The order matters: first, feel felt. Then, maybe, fix.
A common trap is what some therapists call “toxic positivity.” You tell a friend, “I feel like I failed that interview,” and they rush in with “No, you didn’t! You’re amazing! Everything happens for a reason.” The intention is kind. The effect can be quietly brutal.
Because your actual feeling — shame, disappointment, fear — just got steamrolled by a motivational poster. It’s not that encouragement is bad. It’s that skipping the emotional part leaves you weirdly alone with your pain, even while someone is technically “being nice” to you.
We’ve all been there, that moment when you share something vulnerable and immediately regret it because the response just doesn’t land anywhere near your reality.
Another reason we dodge validation: it threatens our self-image as “good” or “reasonable.” If your child says, “I’m still angry about what you said yesterday,” or your partner says, “I felt ignored at dinner,” validating them can feel like admitting guilt or agreeing with their version of events.
Yet validation is not confession. It’s recognition. You can say, “I get that you felt hurt,” without saying, “I’m a monster.” This subtle distinction is hard to hold when shame is buzzing under the surface.
*One plain-truth sentence lives here: most adults were never given a clear script for emotionally healthy conversations, so we improvise and hope for the best.*
- “I can see why that upset you” acknowledges the feeling, not the facts.
- “That sounds really stressful” gives emotion a place to land.
- “I’d probably feel that way too in your position” offers shared humanity.
- “Tell me more about what that was like for you” invites depth instead of shutting things down.
- “Do you want comfort or ideas right now?” respects boundaries and timing.
Learning to validate — even when nobody taught you how
So what can you actually do if you’re reading this and realizing you often skip over other people’s feelings, or your own? One small, precise move: slow the conversation down by one beat. Literally one.
When someone shares something emotional, pause before speaking. Notice the first impulse — fix, joke, compare, defend. Don’t attack it, just see it. Then ask yourself quietly, “What are they feeling right now?” and name that out loud.
It might sound like, “That sounds really painful,” or “You seem really frustrated.” From a psychological perspective, that micro-step of naming and staying with the emotion is like putting a soft hand on the shoulder of their nervous system.
Of course, this is where many people stumble. You might worry that you’ll say the wrong thing, or that if you validate someone’s feeling, you’ll get dragged into an endless emotional spiral. You might even hear a voice in your head saying, “This is too much.”
If that’s you, you’re not broken. You’re probably carrying years of being told to toughen up, move on, be grateful. Advice that helped you survive at one point now gets in the way of real connection.
A gentle starting point: practice validation on yourself first. Instead of “Why am I like this?”, try “Of course I’m overwhelmed, that was a lot today.” It’s not indulgent. It’s psychological first aid.
Psychologist Kristin Neff, known for her work on self-compassion, often emphasizes that our brains respond to warm acknowledgment the way a scared child responds to a calm adult: not instantly, but steadily. “We don’t need perfect words,” she writes, “we need a kinder inner and outer tone.”
- Start with short phrases: “That makes sense,” “I get it,” “That sounds tough.”
- Avoid instant comparisons: “When that happened to me…” can wait.
- Watch for minimizers: “At least…,” “But on the bright side…” often land as dismissal.
- Use **curious questions**: “What was the hardest part?” instead of “Why did you react like that?”
- Remember that **silence can be validating** when your presence is steady, not rushed.
The quiet power of being the person who “gets it”
Once you start to understand why emotional validation is so rare, you also see how powerful it is. The bar is low. One grounded sentence can change the tone of an entire day.
Think about the people you trust most. Chances are, they’re not the ones with the cleverest solutions, but the ones who pause, look at you fully, and say something like, “Yeah, I get why that really hurt.” The memory of that sentence stays in the body.
From a psychological point of view, repeated experiences of being validated slowly rewrite the inner script. “My feelings are too much” becomes “My feelings are information.” “No one ever really hears me” shifts toward “Some people can meet me where I am.” Those are not small upgrades.
Validation doesn’t erase conflict or guarantee perfect relationships. People will still disagree, still annoy each other, still cross lines. Yet when the underlying assumption is “your feelings make sense from your side of the bridge,” the arguments change shape. They soften at the edges.
Being that kind of person is not about being endlessly patient or saintly. It’s about being just curious enough not to shut the door on someone’s emotional reality. That’s a skill, not a personality trait. It can be learned, at any age.
The question that lingers is simple, and a little unsettling: what would shift in your relationships — and in your own inner life — if “I get why you feel that way” became a language you spoke on purpose, not by accident?
| Key point | Detail | Value for the reader |
|---|---|---|
| Why validation feels rare | Many of us grew up in environments where emotions were minimized, rushed, or mocked | Helps explain current relationship patterns without blaming your personality |
| What validation actually looks like | Short, specific phrases that name and normalize someone’s feelings before offering solutions | Gives you a clear script you can try in real conversations |
| How to practice it realistically | Use brief pauses, self-validation, and gentle curiosity instead of fixing or comparing | Offers doable steps to deepen connection without becoming an unpaid therapist |
FAQ:
- Is emotional validation the same as agreeing with someone?No. You can validate a feeling without endorsing the story around it. “I get that you’re angry” does not mean “You’re right about everything.” It simply says their emotional reaction makes sense from their point of view.
- Can too much validation encourage “playing the victim”?Research suggests the opposite: when people feel consistently heard, they’re less likely to escalate or stay stuck. Chronic victimhood usually grows out of long-term invalidation, not being over-validated.
- What if I genuinely don’t understand why someone feels that way?Say that honestly, with curiosity: “I’m struggling to understand, but I want to. Can you walk me through what this felt like for you?” That, in itself, is validating.
- How do I ask for validation without sounding needy?You can be direct and simple: “Can you just listen for a minute? I don’t need advice, I just need to vent,” or “I mostly need to feel understood right now.” Clear requests are a sign of emotional maturity, not neediness.
- Is self-validation enough if no one around me does this?Self-validation is a powerful start, especially when external support is limited. Still, humans are wired for co-regulation, so seeking at least one validating relationship — a friend, partner, therapist, or group — can multiply the effect.
