The quiet pressure builds somewhere between student flat-shares, first jobs and late-night WhatsApp chats: is this the moment to picture yourself with a child, or keep that thought carefully on hold for “later”?
What a long-term study really says about wanting children
A team of German researchers tracked 562 people from their twenties into midlife, publishing their work in the journal Psychology and Aging. They wanted to know how the timing and intensity of the desire for children affect long-term wellbeing.
The volunteers were followed from early adulthood into their forties for women and their fifties for men. Over the years, they regularly answered questions about their mood, life satisfaction, mental health and how much they valued parenthood as a life goal.
Giving enormous weight to the idea of becoming a parent in your twenties – and then never having children – was linked with lower wellbeing decades later.
The surprising part: overall, adults who became parents and those who stayed child-free showed broadly similar wellbeing trajectories. Parenthood itself was not a magic happiness switch. The crucial factor was whether people’s early expectations matched what actually happened.
Why the twenties are such a pivotal decade for the desire for children
The study found that assigning very high importance to having children in your twenties could cut two ways. When the wish later came true, people did not necessarily become dramatically happier than others. Yet when that wish stayed unfulfilled, emotional costs appeared.
Those who wanted children intensely at 20 but never became parents tended to experience drops in mental, emotional and even cognitive wellbeing later on. They reported more loneliness and a nagging sense of missing out on a core life goal.
For this research team, the twenties emerged as the age when the desire for a child has the strongest long-term emotional weight.
This does not mean everyone “should” have a baby at 20. The researchers stress that what matters is how rigid or flexible that goal becomes. The twenties are often a time of identity-building. If “having kids” sits at the very centre of that identity, any later obstacle can feel like a personal failure rather than a shift in circumstances.
When changing plans actually protects happiness
Among the most striking results: adults who never had children but consciously loosened their grip on that goal often fared better emotionally than those who clung to it.
Over time, some participants reframed their lives — investing in careers, friendships, mentoring roles, creative projects or caring responsibilities outside traditional parenthood. Many of them reported rising life satisfaction in midlife.
Those who could not or would not adapt, and who still saw parenthood as the single defining goal, tended to feel more isolated and dissatisfied as the years passed.
Adjusting expectations around parenthood did not erase regret for everyone, but it helped people rebuild meaning and connection in other directions.
Does becoming a parent make you happier in midlife?
Across the full group, parents and non-parents showed similar long-term levels of wellbeing. Parenting brought joy and stress; a child-free life offered freedom and, at times, its own form of loneliness. There was no simple “parents are happier” verdict.
Gender patterns did appear. Fathers reported less loneliness in later life compared with mothers and adults without children. The reasons are still debated. Some researchers point to social expectations that favour fathers’ roles in late-life family gatherings, or that keep men more plugged into networks through work and children combined.
Mothers, on the other hand, often carry a heavier load of unpaid care and emotional labour, which may shape how they rate their own wellbeing. The study did not fully unpack these dynamics, but it highlights how parenthood intersects with gendered expectations.
- Parents: similar average wellbeing to non-parents, with big individual differences.
- Non-parents who adjusted their goals: rising life satisfaction in midlife.
- Non-parents who stayed fixated on having children: higher loneliness and distress.
- Fathers: reported less loneliness than mothers and non-parents.
Why talking about an “ideal age” is so misleading
The research has already been translated into punchy headlines about “20 being the perfect age to want a baby”. That framing misses crucial caveats.
The sample was relatively small and likely not representative of all cultures, classes and family models. The data show correlations, not direct causes. People’s satisfaction can be shaped by money, health, housing, policy support and wider social norms – all of which vary widely between countries and over time.
On top of that, the desire for children is intensely personal. It is influenced by fertility issues, relationship histories, career paths, religion, family pressure and sometimes sheer chance. One person’s “ideal age” can be another’s worst nightmare.
Turning a complex emotional journey into a single golden age for wanting a baby flattens the diversity of real lives.
For some, the thought of a child at 22 feels suffocating. For others, delaying beyond 25 triggers anxiety about biology or culture. The study suggests that the emotional weight of that desire in early adulthood matters, but it does not hand out a universal timetable.
How to own the desire for a child without being trapped by it
The real takeaway sits less in the age number and more in how people relate to their desire. Psychologists often talk about “goal flexibility”: the ability to adjust a cherished plan when life changes.
That does not mean dropping the wish for a child at the first setback. It means holding that wish as one important thread in a wider fabric of identity, not the only thread holding everything together.
Some therapists encourage people in their twenties and thirties to sketch several parallel life scripts, such as:
- Life with children in a couple
- Life with children as a single parent or co-parent
- Life without children but rich in other caring roles
Thinking in scenarios can help soften the blow if one path closes and another needs to open.
Practical ways to navigate the “baby question” in your twenties and thirties
For readers wrestling with timelines, a few concrete steps can make the topic feel less overwhelming and less dictated by headlines about “ideal ages”.
| Step | What it involves | Potential benefit |
|---|---|---|
| Clarify your values | Journalling, therapy or honest talks about what family means to you beyond images on social media. | Reduces pressure to follow a script that does not match your real priorities. |
| Check basic fertility facts | Getting reliable medical information about age, fertility and options such as IVF or egg freezing. | Replaces myths with realistic timelines so decisions feel informed, not panicked. |
| Review your support network | Looking at who could help emotionally, practically or financially if you did have a child. | Builds a clearer sense of what parenthood would look like in your real life, not in theory. |
| Plan for multiple futures | Imagining fulfilling versions of your life both with and without children. | Strengthens flexibility and reduces the sense that only one outcome counts as success. |
Key terms that often cause confusion
Several technical expressions are used in research on this topic. Understanding them can make headlines feel less intimidating.
Subjective wellbeing refers to how people rate their own happiness and life satisfaction, not an external measure. Two people in similar situations can score very differently, depending on personality and expectations.
Goal disengagement describes the process of letting go of a goal that no longer seems realistic or helpful. In the study, child-free adults who managed to disengage from the specific goal of becoming parents often redirected energy into new projects, friendships or caregiving roles, which helped their mood.
Goal re-engagement is the flip side: investing in fresh aims once an original plan has shifted. For someone who wanted children, that might mean mentoring younger relatives, fostering, focusing on creative work or building a chosen family through community.
Emotional scenarios many people quietly experience
Imagine three friends who at 22 all say they “definitely” want children. Ten or fifteen years later, their realities might look like this:
- Alex became a parent in their late twenties. They juggle a demanding job and childcare but feel broadly satisfied, helped by family support and stable housing.
- Jamie faced fertility issues and eventually chose not to pursue medical treatment. After a painful period of grief, they invested in godparenting, voluntary work and a tight-knit circle of friends, and report growing contentment in their forties.
- Reese never had children because of unstable relationships and precarious work. They still describe parenthood as their central dream, but feel stuck and lonely, unsure how to rebuild a sense of purpose.
All three started with the same stated desire. The difference lies in circumstances and in how each person responded when life veered off the original plan. The study suggests that people in Reese’s position are most at risk for long-term distress – not because they are child-free, but because their identity remains tied to a goal that now feels unreachable.
For anyone in their twenties feeling the first strong pull toward a child, the message is less about rushing to the maternity ward and more about owning that desire gently. Acknowledging it, planning thoughtfully, but leaving enough space in your future for different stories to count as a good life.
